Pregnancy Day 161:

Before I was pregnant I used to imagine what I would look like and how it would feel. I'd stick out my stomach as far as it would go and laugh. I'd dream about having cravings for fruit I previously hated or imagine gaining 200lbs.

When that first pee stick showed a plus sign, none of those images were there. Just sinking disbelief.

At first everything felt slow and awkward and very very scary. Now six months in, I feel at home. Maybe it's the hormones finally kicking in. Maybe it's the fact that my daily internal monologue usually consists of "your body is meant to do this." Maybe its that I can finally refer to it as a "she" and feel her dance around. Whatever the reason, I feel happy and finally my own age (at least today) when I spot my reflection. Every past conversation filled with panic and fear and self righteousness about any plans for my future suddenly seem trite and unnecessary. Not unlike that moment before getting engaged.

I told someone recently that "I no longer have the time to raise my friends" that most of their problems were now just that; theirs. That might seem obvious to you but to a control freak that just wants her friends to have some personal pride and be happy...it's a lot. My friends have always been my babies. People I've exchanged milestones with. Through job changes, college choices, weddings, relationship troubles, or big cross continent moves. We've watched each other grow but recently a lot of them have end up stagnate while I sprinted ahead in this mythical guideline of life. Good or bad, I can't say.

The truth is, what I realized is I'm done raising myself now. I'm getting happy ending (not to jinx it universe!). Soon I will be raising a small baby.

I used to fear dying during childbirth (to be fair I still do), mostly because when you're a miracle baby and you haven't reached greatness yet, you imagine you have an expiration date. And what's greater then giving continuing the life cycle? What I know now is that greatness is hidden in the small moments. Like a perfect fall day with Iron & Wine on the radio while cuddling with your husband.

What I'm trying to get at is a part of me will die after giving birth. The absentminded privalge of being selfish is no more. I will no longer be just Lauren or Lauren & Alan. Together we make up a family and even though its nearly impossible to picture myself at 39 year olds with a 10 year old daughter (& hopefully siblings) or sending them all off to college, I still can't wait. And I think I understand why now. My life is no longer about me. It is about her and us and the hidden greatness.

Alan says pregnancy is making me soft and cheesy. (Shrug). It's kinda a nice change of pace.