Pregnancy Day ... uh 29 days left!: 

With just under a month until my little ones arrival, I'm starting to become more and more sensitive and nervous.

Every little thing people say makes me panic.

"Oh you're carrying her too high, are you sure it's not a boy?"
"Oh isn't it early for them to schedule a csection?"
"Oh if she's sitting a certain way they might cut her out differently"
"Oh you didn't do genetic testing?"

Etc etc etc.

And if I'm not worried about whats been happening to her while she's inside me about to come out, I've got to worry about what to do when she's here.

"What about vaccinations?"
"What about Autism?" 
"What about hormones in milk proteins?"
"What if she's got hearing or sight problems?"

What I try and tell myself is that she's fine. That I'm not hurting her. That she's not hurting me. That it's 2012 and if she does end up allergic to certain foods or have vision problems we're in a great time to help correct or manage them.

It's just scary as hell.

My mom always likes to talk about how she never gave herself the chance to think about the bad stuff. My initial chance of survival was about 30% and she just never really thought about it or doubted my ability to overcome it. She could be lying but I'm inclined to believe her because that's the type of person she is. I desperately wish I could be more like her. Instead of worrying about EVERYTHING I can't control. Thankfully I have Alan as well. Whose more concerned about how we're going to manage raising her than unlikely "what-ifs." He says its because she's gotta have some of me in her. Who despite my need to over analyze and worry about everything, I am at the end of the day (and always have been from the start) a survivor. Most of that can be credited to the people around me though. So "here here" to positive thoughts and good vibes.

Pregnancy Day 232/Nice to meet you 2013

I should have written this earlier when the sun was reflecting softly on the fallen snow. When the sky was ripe with pinks and light orange shades. Here I am though; in a room with annoying yellow light bulbs sitting across from a half set up nursery instead.

(The nursery area has actually come together much better then I imagined. Soon I'll post photos!)

I am two hours away (less by the time this get posted) from being 29. This is my reflection.

28 was more then I could comprehend. It started out feeling like I was drowning and truth be told I was. Thankfully I have the type of friends that pull me out instead of under. I finished another semester of school only to discover sometimes things you think you want aren't the things you need and that sometimes wanting just isn't enough. I traveled to Europe and oh yeah, got pregnant. I think you know the rest.


In contrast 2013 has started out beautifully. Nothing exciting happened, I just enjoy seeing the sun. The day reminded me that through all the dark stuff that happened in our world in 2012, there can still be bright days.

In other news: 

I usually love birthdays. Particularly my own. Everyone has always harped on how horrible it'd be to have a birthday so close to Christmas but I actually love being so close to that "fresh start" feeling. To that new year. These past few weeks leading up to 29 have been distinctly different though. All of a sudden I miss everything.

I miss using my computer for more productive purposes and my phone as just a phone. I miss feeling confident about my life and creative endeavors. I miss being inspired by my friends. I miss the days when my parents seemed less human. I miss laughing more and reading. I guess this is growing up. Maturing.

Maybe its because I'm about to celebrate the actual birth day of my daughter...but I just can't seem to get excited about my own birthday this year. Tomorrow I will go to work and I will have a nice lunch and a great dinner and I will end the evening cuddling on the couch with my adorable husband. And there's not much more a girl could ask for. I think I'm just done celebrating for myself. I'm ready to meet my baby girl and see the world with fresh eyes. "I gave up me for you" and for the second time in my life it doesn't feel like a punishment. The first time got me Alan. What I've learned from him is that sometimes the things you're the most afraid to lose (about yourself) are the things you never needed anyway because once you let go your whole world can open up and (while yes, it opens a whole new world of things you don't want to lose) you suddenly no longer care. Six months ago, a year ago, even 12 days ago I could have argued that. I wasn't ready to stop being vain or selfish. Today though, I realized it's not a choice. Its a threshold you cross with an invisible line. One day you just realize it's not about you anymore. Back then being without Alan was something I didn't (and of course still don't) want. Now being without a baby gives me that same feeling.

I know I will still be pouty and continuously uncomfortable until this baby comes out, but at (almost) 29 it all seems ok. It's time to start this new phase. "Hi, my name is Lauren and I guess I'm an adult now. Sorry I was late to the game."