Pregnancy Day ... uh 29 days left!: 

With just under a month until my little ones arrival, I'm starting to become more and more sensitive and nervous.

Every little thing people say makes me panic.

"Oh you're carrying her too high, are you sure it's not a boy?"
"Oh isn't it early for them to schedule a csection?"
"Oh if she's sitting a certain way they might cut her out differently"
"Oh you didn't do genetic testing?"

Etc etc etc.

And if I'm not worried about whats been happening to her while she's inside me about to come out, I've got to worry about what to do when she's here.

"What about vaccinations?"
"What about Autism?" 
"What about hormones in milk proteins?"
"What if she's got hearing or sight problems?"

What I try and tell myself is that she's fine. That I'm not hurting her. That she's not hurting me. That it's 2012 and if she does end up allergic to certain foods or have vision problems we're in a great time to help correct or manage them.

It's just scary as hell.

My mom always likes to talk about how she never gave herself the chance to think about the bad stuff. My initial chance of survival was about 30% and she just never really thought about it or doubted my ability to overcome it. She could be lying but I'm inclined to believe her because that's the type of person she is. I desperately wish I could be more like her. Instead of worrying about EVERYTHING I can't control. Thankfully I have Alan as well. Whose more concerned about how we're going to manage raising her than unlikely "what-ifs." He says its because she's gotta have some of me in her. Who despite my need to over analyze and worry about everything, I am at the end of the day (and always have been from the start) a survivor. Most of that can be credited to the people around me though. So "here here" to positive thoughts and good vibes.

Pregnancy Day 232/Nice to meet you 2013

I should have written this earlier when the sun was reflecting softly on the fallen snow. When the sky was ripe with pinks and light orange shades. Here I am though; in a room with annoying yellow light bulbs sitting across from a half set up nursery instead.

(The nursery area has actually come together much better then I imagined. Soon I'll post photos!)

I am two hours away (less by the time this get posted) from being 29. This is my reflection.

28 was more then I could comprehend. It started out feeling like I was drowning and truth be told I was. Thankfully I have the type of friends that pull me out instead of under. I finished another semester of school only to discover sometimes things you think you want aren't the things you need and that sometimes wanting just isn't enough. I traveled to Europe and oh yeah, got pregnant. I think you know the rest.


In contrast 2013 has started out beautifully. Nothing exciting happened, I just enjoy seeing the sun. The day reminded me that through all the dark stuff that happened in our world in 2012, there can still be bright days.

In other news: 

I usually love birthdays. Particularly my own. Everyone has always harped on how horrible it'd be to have a birthday so close to Christmas but I actually love being so close to that "fresh start" feeling. To that new year. These past few weeks leading up to 29 have been distinctly different though. All of a sudden I miss everything.

I miss using my computer for more productive purposes and my phone as just a phone. I miss feeling confident about my life and creative endeavors. I miss being inspired by my friends. I miss the days when my parents seemed less human. I miss laughing more and reading. I guess this is growing up. Maturing.

Maybe its because I'm about to celebrate the actual birth day of my daughter...but I just can't seem to get excited about my own birthday this year. Tomorrow I will go to work and I will have a nice lunch and a great dinner and I will end the evening cuddling on the couch with my adorable husband. And there's not much more a girl could ask for. I think I'm just done celebrating for myself. I'm ready to meet my baby girl and see the world with fresh eyes. "I gave up me for you" and for the second time in my life it doesn't feel like a punishment. The first time got me Alan. What I've learned from him is that sometimes the things you're the most afraid to lose (about yourself) are the things you never needed anyway because once you let go your whole world can open up and (while yes, it opens a whole new world of things you don't want to lose) you suddenly no longer care. Six months ago, a year ago, even 12 days ago I could have argued that. I wasn't ready to stop being vain or selfish. Today though, I realized it's not a choice. Its a threshold you cross with an invisible line. One day you just realize it's not about you anymore. Back then being without Alan was something I didn't (and of course still don't) want. Now being without a baby gives me that same feeling.

I know I will still be pouty and continuously uncomfortable until this baby comes out, but at (almost) 29 it all seems ok. It's time to start this new phase. "Hi, my name is Lauren and I guess I'm an adult now. Sorry I was late to the game."

Pregnancy Day 218:

I'm sick or my body is sick of pregnancy. I'm not sure. Either way my throat is killing me and my bones hurt and I've taken to sleeping on the couch.

In positive news, our little one is now the size of a pineapple and moving around like crazy trying to find more room. Only 8 more weeks until we get to meet her!

Pregnancy Day 213 (on 12.13.12...fun!)

Oh hi! I'm still pregnant!

Obviously a good thing, though I've now reached the "everything-is-terribly-uncomfortable-and-can-I meet-my-baby-yet?" phase.

Together we are 30 weeks or 31 weeks or 7 months or 8 months (depending on the app/website I chose to use) but most definitely in the third trimester with only 9 weeks to go until my due date. 

Crazy milstones that have happened since the last time I blogged:
- She surpassed my birth-weight and is now about 3lbs.
- We had my baby shower, which was beautiful and just the right amount of baby/pink/showerness for me to handle.
- I've graduated to TWO doctor appointments a month. Oooo. 
- She enjoys doing somersaults and kicking/punching me in the bladder which is weirdest and also slightly painful.
- The nursery area is pretty much set up, minus the washing of all her clothes and purchasing a crib.


Things that still need some major attention:
- Vaccination research!
- Cordblood banking!
- Setting up said crib!
- Taking the cat to the vet!
- Double check insurance!


Thankfully Christmas/New Years/My birthday (woo!) are great distractions for how impatient I feel to meet her. 

This is also what I look like now:

It may or may not be small but I assure you I feel huge and don't know how much longer I can drive and get off the couch and sleep before I just can't anymore. 

Pregnancy Day 165:

I'm not sure if it's that I'm getting closer to the third trimester or what but the last few days have brought on several new changes. Loss of balance, restless nights, metallic taste in my mouth. Weird stuff. Worse is the lethargic nature I feel about leaving the house now. It's not that I'm overly tired or sick feeling, I just don't want to leave the house lately to go to work. I'd rather stay home and catch up on movies and clean the house over and over. Maybe it's just the weather.

Pregnancy Day 161:

Before I was pregnant I used to imagine what I would look like and how it would feel. I'd stick out my stomach as far as it would go and laugh. I'd dream about having cravings for fruit I previously hated or imagine gaining 200lbs.

When that first pee stick showed a plus sign, none of those images were there. Just sinking disbelief.

At first everything felt slow and awkward and very very scary. Now six months in, I feel at home. Maybe it's the hormones finally kicking in. Maybe it's the fact that my daily internal monologue usually consists of "your body is meant to do this." Maybe its that I can finally refer to it as a "she" and feel her dance around. Whatever the reason, I feel happy and finally my own age (at least today) when I spot my reflection. Every past conversation filled with panic and fear and self righteousness about any plans for my future suddenly seem trite and unnecessary. Not unlike that moment before getting engaged.

I told someone recently that "I no longer have the time to raise my friends" that most of their problems were now just that; theirs. That might seem obvious to you but to a control freak that just wants her friends to have some personal pride and be happy...it's a lot. My friends have always been my babies. People I've exchanged milestones with. Through job changes, college choices, weddings, relationship troubles, or big cross continent moves. We've watched each other grow but recently a lot of them have end up stagnate while I sprinted ahead in this mythical guideline of life. Good or bad, I can't say.

The truth is, what I realized is I'm done raising myself now. I'm getting happy ending (not to jinx it universe!). Soon I will be raising a small baby.

I used to fear dying during childbirth (to be fair I still do), mostly because when you're a miracle baby and you haven't reached greatness yet, you imagine you have an expiration date. And what's greater then giving continuing the life cycle? What I know now is that greatness is hidden in the small moments. Like a perfect fall day with Iron & Wine on the radio while cuddling with your husband.

What I'm trying to get at is a part of me will die after giving birth. The absentminded privalge of being selfish is no more. I will no longer be just Lauren or Lauren & Alan. Together we make up a family and even though its nearly impossible to picture myself at 39 year olds with a 10 year old daughter (& hopefully siblings) or sending them all off to college, I still can't wait. And I think I understand why now. My life is no longer about me. It is about her and us and the hidden greatness.

Alan says pregnancy is making me soft and cheesy. (Shrug). It's kinda a nice change of pace.

Pregnancy Day 146: Apparently lifting, carrying and bending over to get things is pretty much out of the question now. I dropped two baskets of laundry all over the apartment in an effort to carry them to the basement today. I have no idea if 21 weeks (though I think I'm 22 now) is to early for such things but it is what it is I suppose.