Pregnancy Day 135:

Welp. Don't I feel like an asshole. All that crap about "knowing" and "our sun"...sigh. Such an idiot. Obviously my subconscious knows more then I allow myself to believe because....

IT'S A GIRL!!

At least that's what the three lines tell us and since we didn't go to school for however long to study ultrasound technology, Alan and I took her word for it. We also took her word for it when she pointed out the kidneys and the liver and even showed us this foot the first time.By the end of the appointment I found myself shouting out body parts like a game of Pictionary. We were mostly wrong.

 

(That's her foot) 

Here is the good news: 
- We can start saying "she" instead of "it" or "the lil (insert fruit in terms of growth).
- She's already stubborn and refused to turn around and show her face. Just wanted to be left alone to nap.
- Everything looks good as far as they can tell. Great looking spine, head size and all ten fingers and toes (I think).
- I cried a little. ONLY A LITTLE! And instantly reassured my husband that he could indeed get a boy dog when the time comes.

There was some other news though: 
           My mother successfully had three children, that's obviously the important part, but they were not without complications. She has what's considered a incompetent cervix, a heart shaped uterus and when she had me the lining of the amniotic sack deteriorated. Before I get into that part, here's an awesome photo of us when my sister graduated last year to prove how even dire circumstances can be overcome (as far as the uterus goes - not my sister graduating, she's really smart haha).

(My brother and I are not twins, usually he looks more like my sister and doesn't have red hair)

Now everything that happened to me is not genetic. It was a rare fluke that may or may not be the result of poor medical care. Who really knows. At the end of the day my mother's uterus became a toxic waste land and I needed out. Even if it was three months early. Here I am today a relatively healthy 28 year old, so the odds can suck it. That being said, I was still nervous to see if the ultrasound would hold this:

(this was the best photo I could find, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT TRY AND GOOGLE THIS ISSUE. I AM NOW TRAUMATIZED. HOLY FUCK GOOGLE)

Basically what happens is as the lining of the amniotic sack deteriorates, it wraps around the baby not unlike a shredded plastic bag might. Only these pieces are basically razor sharp and can result in very bad news. I got extremely EXTREMELY lucky.

As far as the heart shaped uterus (DON'T GOOGLE THAT EITHER!) goes, it looks very friendly and depending on the severity isn't always harmful. My siblings just had to chill like this for the most part:

 

Now back to ME! After I shared some of this family history with the ultrasound tech, she realized that I too might have a special shaped uterus (how fun!) so she called in a doctor. The doctor confirmed that I don't have one, but I do have an extra piece of tissue coming off my uterus. Alan tried to equate it to a cubical wall in an office building. My initial thoughts went something like "Umm? What? How? Why? Is it hurting the baby? Will it shred? Did birth control do this? How long has it been there? Can she grab onto it? Will it puncture the amniotic sack? Will she have smooshed parts because this "tissue" is in the way? WTF!?" but all that came out was "...OK..."

I tried to Google anything I could find that might help me better explain it here or to myself but nothing comes up. The doctor assured me that it shouldn't affect the baby or the delivery but that they'd monitor as time when on to be sure. He explained how hard it was to see now that I was pregnant, but also wasn't something they would ever see or know about when doing an annual pap smear. So how I was supposed to find out about this issue, I'll never know. They also never said anything seemed strange when we looked at it at my 7 week ultrasound. SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?

It means we wait. We take the doctors word for it and get to see more video of our little girl moving around. You guys I'm (err we're!) having a baby girl and my emotions are about to be OUT OF CONTROL. Please buy my husband a beer when you see him around town. I already want to cry. It was as if a light blub went off and my hormones finally realized I have two vaginas (or one and 3 lines) so the tears and dopy happiness can come streaming out at anytime! I seriously can't wait to meet her. 

Pregnancy Day 134:

Today is the day!
Let's say it again.

TODAY IS THE DAY!

I just wanted to jot (err type) something down before the appointment because afterwards everything will be different. By 5pm we'll know how much the little mango has grown, if it's growing correctly and everything is in working order and of course we'll know the gender.

I imagine closing my eyes until the coast is clear and I know everything is ok. I imagine crying. I imagine the best case and some of the most ridiculous worst cases. This is just who I am. Last night I dreamed of raising a girl. One that looks like me or looks like herself since I don't even know what me really was/is "supposed" to look like. My mother I guess. I pictured it having my hair and Alan's face. I pictured pigtails and her saying "daddy." And then before I woke, I saw us eating the blue cupcake at the "reveal" tonight.

I think my subconscious (as it often does) is romanticizing again. The idea of a girl seems so fitting, but deep down I know it's a boy. Have since the first time I saw the tiny still sperm shaped creature on the monitor. That's my son. Our sun.

I guess we'll see.

I've been so excited about this particular appointment, now that it's here I realize what a strange balance it's created. We've come so far and yet there's still so much farther to go. Oh metaphors for life. Here we are finally being able to see what's going on in there but the lil mango still has 5ish more months to cook. It hasn't even reach my level of world entry yet. It's crazy to me that something that's grown so much in the last 4.5 months still has so much more growing to do. Can you tell I'm one of the most impatient people on the planet? I'm not at all implying that I'd want the baby to come out now...I'm just excited! I've never been ready for anything (that may or may not be a lie) but I am so ready for this life change. I can't even tell you how many times I lay in bed imaging our dynamic changing when we have a little one crawling in with us because of a nightmare. Alan and I have always taken great pride in know that we're and are perfectly functional without one another, but that together we are better. I have this same feeling about this baby and will likely have it again when we have a second one (much much further down the road of course).

Anyway...until 4pm. Fingers crossed!

Pregnancy Day 133:
This is pretty much what I've been humming all day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498

I am beyond excited but also petrified. Pregnancy continues to run my emotions ragged. If you're reading this, keep your fingers crossed that everything is dandy.

And even if you're not, I still want to remember how nice it was to have so many people message me today just as excited as I am about ... say it again TOMORROW TOMORROW I LOVE YA TOMORROW!!!!

Pregnancy Day 132: The kicks are getting stronger. Instead of light bubbles it feels like soft jabs. Naturally I can only feel them when I'm sitting down and worried I might be smooshing it. It also has this pesky habit of stopping those little kicks whenever I try to put my hand there to feel them. Even now it seems baby has quite the sense of humor.

Pregnancy day 126: Had my arms full and dropped my keys on the side walk. Heavy sighing in their direction somehow didn't bring them back to my hands. It also didn't resonate through my apartment building to grab the attention of strangers so they‘d peer out their window and rush out to help me upon seeing my misfortune (I don‘t look nearly as pregnant enough as it is), so I sucked it up and bent down. It was as awkward as you can imagine.