Pregnancy Day 134:

Today is the day!
Let's say it again.

TODAY IS THE DAY!

I just wanted to jot (err type) something down before the appointment because afterwards everything will be different. By 5pm we'll know how much the little mango has grown, if it's growing correctly and everything is in working order and of course we'll know the gender.

I imagine closing my eyes until the coast is clear and I know everything is ok. I imagine crying. I imagine the best case and some of the most ridiculous worst cases. This is just who I am. Last night I dreamed of raising a girl. One that looks like me or looks like herself since I don't even know what me really was/is "supposed" to look like. My mother I guess. I pictured it having my hair and Alan's face. I pictured pigtails and her saying "daddy." And then before I woke, I saw us eating the blue cupcake at the "reveal" tonight.

I think my subconscious (as it often does) is romanticizing again. The idea of a girl seems so fitting, but deep down I know it's a boy. Have since the first time I saw the tiny still sperm shaped creature on the monitor. That's my son. Our sun.

I guess we'll see.

I've been so excited about this particular appointment, now that it's here I realize what a strange balance it's created. We've come so far and yet there's still so much farther to go. Oh metaphors for life. Here we are finally being able to see what's going on in there but the lil mango still has 5ish more months to cook. It hasn't even reach my level of world entry yet. It's crazy to me that something that's grown so much in the last 4.5 months still has so much more growing to do. Can you tell I'm one of the most impatient people on the planet? I'm not at all implying that I'd want the baby to come out now...I'm just excited! I've never been ready for anything (that may or may not be a lie) but I am so ready for this life change. I can't even tell you how many times I lay in bed imaging our dynamic changing when we have a little one crawling in with us because of a nightmare. Alan and I have always taken great pride in know that we're and are perfectly functional without one another, but that together we are better. I have this same feeling about this baby and will likely have it again when we have a second one (much much further down the road of course).

Anyway...until 4pm. Fingers crossed!