Up hill...

So I've been trying to expand my photo portfolio. Here's some thoughts on my last shoot.

5 Things that Sucked

1. Finding a model that wasn't professional. While my intentions were good and I can't thank her enough for helping me. from a photographer standpoint and a "I don't know how to direct anyone" view, it didn't exactly work out how I hoped.
2. Being afraid to make her do what I wanted. For example I wanted the shoot to look more like this: (insert picture of girl being a cute spunky librarian type) but it turned out like this:

because she was uncomfortable doing what I suggested and I was unwilling to force the issue/make her step outside of her comfort zone. (I figured as long as she felt beautiful and was comfortable it didn't matter)
3. I pussed out for a large section of it and set my camera on auto. For SHAME.
4. Taking 100 photos isn't actually enough. Had I taken an extra few of this shot, I would have had one that wasn't blurry.

5. What seems cute, might actually look like a young porn star.

5 Things I Learned

1. The panic I felt about planning the whole thing to a "t" was not in vain. Next time I really need to come up with more concrete plans. Particularly set up a meeting before the shoot.
2. A few of my photos turned out very...flat and senior photo-y (this is obviously because I stuck it on auto (FOR SHAME)) but in the future I could use that to my advantage and consider doing senior photos for real.

3. Small talk/pretending to care is very important when engaging a model. I'm actually relatively good at making people laugh. Plus S is kind of awesome.
4. While it's good to let your model have some creative input, know that you can end up with photos like this:

5. I'm still really good at still life.

Overall though, S is beautiful and I can't wait to try and re-shoot her.

And so it goes...

As previously mentioned in an earlier post I don't have time to search for; I'm really into goal lists. Without even realizing it I had started my own tradition. Hurrah! Here is my 2012 list.

-Start a food journal in order to properly maintain the correct blood sugar levels.
-Learn to take the correct vitamins. (for reasons above)
-Seriously start working out at least once a week. (for reasons above)
-Improve/grow and start my own photography business
-Read all the books on my shelf that I bought with the best of intentions but didn't even start
-Get a photograph and story published
-Have a baby
-Be a blonde
-Find a place to settle down in.
-Never settle.
-Travel. Take road trips to the west country side and the upper east coast.
-Paint
-Remember how to be a kid again
-Stay happy
-Get a puppy
-Write more

Oops.

My husband is a very sensitive person.

He is the type of guy that spends longer in the bathroom doing his hair than I do. The type that cares more about his bicycle then hanging out with his friends. The type that actually turns off his video games when I ask and hates cheap beer and contact sports. He is sweet and soulful and clumsy and cried when his kitten died.

I think that’s what drew me to him in the first place. He had this hidden vulnerability that I’d been unable to tap into within my own personality.

When we first started getting serious we struggled with our roles. At least I did. His decision to become a chef changed us greatly. For months and months I begged him to participate in our relationship and participate in his life. I would clean and cook and do everything I could think of to please him. Even if it meant suppressing parts of what I thought made us (or me) special. I asked my friends for advice, I asked my parents, I asked him in the middle of the night while we held hands.

And then…I stopped caring so much. The stress was too much.

So I started living like a single girl in the middle of an engagement and well into our early stages of marriage.

Then there was another shift.

He started doing the dishes and our laundry and cleaning the bathroom and killing spiders and cooking dinner every night we were actual home at the same time. He never got mad or asked me where I’d been and why I hadn’t picked up the living room even if I’d been home for 6 hours. He’d even sit down and watched my stories with me. He never asked for my help, even if I tried too.

So I have to ask. Did I turn my husband into a woman or was he already one?

The sun and the moon

I've been watching the sun set for the last hour on this bazaaro totally welcome summer in March land we've been living in for the last week. Still I have no words.

Most of my inspiration has been stuck in photography lately. I fall asleep dreaming of new ideas and stay up late googling the competition.

I have two weeks until I turn in my application for grad school and even though I've been doing really well in school for the first time ever...I secretly hope I don't get in.

Alan's right. Most of my life gets put on the back burner when it's nice out.

I don't think it means anything. I'm just afraid of big things. Of certain movement. I over-think to a place where I barely register what an impulse is. I made the right choice leaving the bank and trying to go back to school. I took the right step if I ever want to find employment in any type of academic environment. I'm ok. I'm spoiled. I'm perfectly content lying on my new couch in shorts and a tank top with the door-wall open, listening to the birds sing.

At this moment I am happy. Happy with this apartment. Happy playing with my camera. Happy with my life. And even though this drastic weather patterned will probably change the tide and kills a bunch of sea life or plummet businesses dealing with winter jackets...I'm ok with that.

Ok. Ok. I'm not.

I need the winter to remind me to appreciate the warm sun, just like I know I need listlessness to remind me what enjoying my life feels like. So I know this total sense of ease I feel will need to pass too. I can't be laying around forever. I need a purpose.

So I completely hope I do get in.

Only time will tell and until then at least I found my camera love again.

(Last shot, NOT with my camera. Well with my camera phone...just a self portrait I did with a friend's Nikon.)