I have an essay due by midnight and my eyes already hurt from staring at this screen for the last few hours but I've been meaning to write on this for a while and the current tab I'd love to close offers some good prompts.
Also, I really enjoy procrastinating. Like a lot.
It's not news that I'm married to a chef. (Unless of course you're a new reader, which "HI I'M MARRIED TO A CHEF (and most of the time it sucks)!") When I was first drafting the idea of starting a blog again, I considered making it strictly chef wife oriented. Something to appease the masses of women struggling with the daily battle of being in love with someone in the restaurant industry. Or more importantly being in love with someone that seems to love something else so much more then them. And that right there is why I didn't create a blog based on that theme. At the end of the day, it's not something that makes me any more or less special then anyone else. Every single person in a relationship feels the way I do at some time or another. The only difference is I don't just feel it sometimes, I have to fight with it always.
Boo hoo. Your significate other has a job? How terrible. (Note sarcasm)
For me it has never been about his career choice, it is about how he handles it and our relationship.
So when I stumbled on a "Married to a Chef" forum with a short questionnaire on how wives handle it...I thought it might be fun to avoid my responsibilities and fill it out to prove to others and myself that it's not really as bad as it seems. Or at the very least doesn't have to be.
(Side Notes: When I met my husband, he was not a chef. He wasn't even in the resturant industry at all. I had been for years. It was something he fell into just before we got engaged. He has progressed from pantry cook to sous chef in under 2 years. I consider myself incredibly lucky for that piece of time before his schedule and choices took over my life. I honestly don't know how or why chefs date to marry. The industry is notorious for it's bad relationship reputation. They work long hours, they work holidays and it is a lifestyle full of addiction and loneliness. It's like being on another planet and every level within the industry offers different advantages and disadvantages.)
I digress, moving on -
How long did it take before you figured out that you’d be going to bed alone? Night after night?
That was something that rarely happened in the beginning. I could stay up late and he used to come home before 2am. In fact over the last 4 years together, we have only ever spent a total of 12 days not falling asleep or waking up next to each other. When I had to get up early for work, he would always call before I fell asleep and I'd leave him notes to wake up to in the morning.
That you’d be going to family functions/work functions (company Christmas party) by yourself? How do you deal with that?
I am very strange and I enjoy being alone and compartmentalizing my friends into categories and get uncomfortable when they mix. Not having him around at every function gives me the leeway to be me and not have to worry about if he's having fun or socializing or being rude or whatever. I can just relax. That being said, I've also learn to pick my battles when it comes to important events like weddings or particular family things I really need/want him at. I tend to make sure he has a month notice and then put my foot down or hide his phone.
It was a strange adjustment just after we got married and everyone would ask where he was and I always had to say "oh he's at work" every single time. Eventually people stopped asking. To me this is better then having to say "Oh he just didn't want to come" or "he was being particularly shitty today so I made him stay home" or "Omg I know it's a girls night but we just can't stand being apart, can I bring the hubs?!" or generally sitting around not doing anything because he's not with me.
Not to mention the partying it up until the morning hours? Dare I say, Drugs/Alcohol/Infidelity?
This is one of the questions that sort of shocked me, for the simple fact that it shouldn't be an issue at all. And if it is, please get out of that relationship immediately. Seriously. And I'm only speaking in regards to the "partying up until the morning hours" section at the moment.
If your significant other doesn't want to come home to see the person he "loves" because he wants to spend even more time with people he sees all the time...THAT IS NOT OK.
If he/she needs to consume large amounts of alcohol or drugs just to get through his work day...THAT IS NOT OK.
If he's cheating, because he's too lazy/distracted to come home to his own wife and have sex...THAT IS NOT OK.
I'd be more interested to address how the ones left home handle it. I'm horrible with alcohol and terrified of drugs and did once get myself into a situation where I wouldn't have felt guilty for cheating. What I learned from that was how little it had to do with his job and how much more it had to do with us. We were not ok and I needed something from him he was no longer giving. Simple engagement with his life and with our life together. Being a chef doesn't give you an excuse to be an asshole.
What do you tell your friends, who aren’t in this type of relationship… how you ‘make it work’ when you’re never with your other half and are always available to hang out?
It IS weird to be in a relationship but still somehow always end up a third wheel or to develop friendships with the opposite sex that are more prominent then the one with your partner. It is unfortunately a side effect of the career though. Most of my friends don't mind or are very good at hiding it. I've also learned that being married to a chef means you need a new emergency contact. So it's good to have friends.
And YOUR dreams.. how do you handle making YOUR dreams come true when they work 60-80 hours a week?
This is something I'm just learning to answer now. So unfortunately I don't have anything concrete to say. If anything I will suggest that communication is the key and that you can't be afraid to stand up and go for what you want. Also having super supportive and encouraging friends is powerful thing. I think my resistance to taking my own advice is because I've been afraid that I'd end up leaving him in the dust or ashamed that I might be married to someone that wouldn't care whether or not he was part of my journey to my dreams. On a positive side, his schedule also means he's not getting in your way.
Having to start your holiday vacation at 11pm at night (or later!) when they get off?
Um...we only vacation together when he's actually on vacation. I'm not sure what's wrong with getting on a flight at night and waking up in the morning somewhere new?
The times when, after the restaurant closes, you’re excited for them to come home and they call to say their going out for a few beers.
This...is not ok. In the beginning, Alan and I spent a large chunk of time arguing about this topic. To me, he sees these people 90% of his work week and me only 10%. If he wants to drink late, he can come home and drink next to my sleeping body and read a book or something OR come home and hang out OR just NO. NO THIS IS NOT OK. I'm mad just typing about it. Haha.
Thankfully, we have made large adjustments and strides and compromises since then.
If you knew that you’d be the only person raising your children while they’re working crazy hours, would you do it again?
I don't have children yet but I am impressed by the chef wives that do. It can't be easy essentially being a single parent. And I think that's why I let Alan do as much as he wants now, because later I'm not going to be that person that tells myself he can't be bothered or can't leave work or that some guest is more important then a sick kid or kindergarten graduation.
My advice for future chef significant others is this: What makes their job so much more important then their life? Then your life? Then the life you want to build together? It is just a job and you never know, one day he might come home just as exhausted by the situation and decide to start over.
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